What Is Shaming?
Wondering exactly what constitutes shaming a child? Here are some examples:
Telling embarrassing or revealing stories in an attempt to manipulate the child’s attitude or behaviorTaking what should be a private conversation about behavior and consequences and making it public by sharing it with friends, family, or the world at large (via social media)Intentionally making a child feel bad about himself or herself, as a person, instead of focusing on the actual behavior you’re trying to change
Sadly, these techniques can seem to work in the beginning, but shaming your child will quickly backfire. And while parents have probably used shame since the beginning to time, the reach of social media makes it more dangerous than ever. Not only do you lose considerable relational equity, but shaming kids in public or online also tears down trust and self-esteem. At the same time, it zaps your child’s motivation to engage in the very behaviors you’re trying to encourage.
Guilt vs. Shame
What’s confusing for parents is that thoughts and feelings do influence behavior. For example, if you yelled at your kids and then felt a sense of guilt or regret, those feelings might be enough to make you change your behavior. But there’s a difference between guilt and shame.
Why Shaming Your Kids Doesn’t Work
Shaming kids is also dangerous because shame tends to be a feeling that sticks around, and it often lasts longer than you realize or intend. So while it may seem on the surface like parents who shame their kids on social media get results, recognize that this approach to parenting actually damages two things you’re working hard to create:
Guilt says “I did a bad thing.“Shame says, “I am bad.”
No matter what behavioral challenges you’re dealing with right now, that’s not a message you want to send to your kids.
Your child’s self-esteem Your long-term relationship
For some, there may also be a connection between the reach of public shaming and its long-term impacts. For example, shaming your child publicly on Facebook, where there’s a perception that a very large number of people are seeing it, may be more harmful to your relationship and your child’s sense of self than the old-fashioned “You won’t believe what he did now!” kind of shaming that used to take place around the dinner table in front of Aunt Sally.
What If You’ve Already Publicly Shamed Your Kids?
Let’s get real. You might be reading this and thinking, “Oh no! I’ve already done this.” Now’s your opportunity to apologize. Your kids need to see that you’re human and willing to own your mistakes. So even if you’re experiencing a degree of remorse that makes it extremely difficult to initiate that conversation, make it happen. A genuine apology will have a restorative effect on your relationship so that you can begin to leverage your connection as your biggest ‘weapon’ for influencing your child’s behavior—not shaming.
Shaming Words Single Parents Should Avoid
Some single parents may be at greater risk for resorting to shaming their kids because of the tension that often accompanies communicating with your ex. Here’s a list of shaming words and phrases you’ll want to avoid:
How to Influence Your Kids’ Behavior Without Shaming
The very best tool you have at your disposal for influencing your kids’ behavior is your relationship. Ideally, you want to create a bond that reinforces your kids’ positive sense of who they are, while also giving them room to learn from their mistakes. So when your kids choose to disobey you, have a conversation about their choices and what they can do differently next time. Here are some examples of positive words and phrases you can use:
“I’d like you to tell me what happened.” Take a few minutes to hear your child out before you respond.“What did that feel like for you?” Help your child identify the feelings associated with the events that took place. These may include anger, fear, loneliness, surprise, and others.“What could you have done differently?” This is a big one! Ideally, you want your child to name for himself or herself the alternatives that might have been more effective. At this moment, it’s important for you to affirm ideas that could have been effective. The idea is to empower your child with strategies for ’next time’ rather than shaming your child not choosing those options the first time around.“What will you do next time?” Solidify the strength of your child’s words by helping him or her name a top strategy.“How can I help?” This one is often left out, but it’s so powerful! Even if there’s nothing practical you can do, it will help your child to hear you make a genuine offer to help.
