Being the partner of someone who is struggling with postpartum depression is an enormous challenge. You may feel worried for your partner, concerned about your baby—and overwhelmed with the responsibility of helping your partner feel better. You may even feel anger and resentment about what is going on (that’s normal too). Rest assured that postpartum depression is treatable. You have a very important role in helping your partner recover—and there are many simple, straightforward steps you can take to make that happen.
Understanding Your Role
Postpartum depression is a serious mental condition that requires professional help. It is not your responsibility to diagnose your partner, and you are not their therapist. Postpartum depression is partly caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain that often requires medical treatment, and it’s not your job to tackle that aspect of it. However, you do have a critical role to play in supporting your partner and helping them cope with their diagnosis. After all, you are the one home with them and the baby the majority of the time, and you are likely someone they lean on for emotional support. One of the hardest aspects of postpartum depression is that sometimes your partner will seem to push you away. Postpartum depression can make someone feel a whole myriad of emotions, including anger and rage. Sometimes that aggression may be directed toward you. In general, your main role when dealing with your spouse’s postpartum depression is to be a listener and provide a safe space. That means:
Listen to your spouse and allow them to express their feelings without judgment.Don’t try to fix their feelings; validate what they are feeling and empathize as best you can.Help your partner understand that you don’t blame them for how they are feeling; postpartum depression isn’t their fault, nor is it yours.Help your partner understand that what they are experiencing is temporary.Reassure your partner that treatment for postpartum depression works, and they will feel like themselves again.
7 Things You Can Do to Help Your Partner
Support for those living with postpartum depression needs to be emotional, of course. But there are many practical things you can do to make your partner’s life easier and less overwhelming.
Make Yourself Available
If you are working while your partner is on parental leave, you may feel a pull toward working as much as possible to ensure that the bills get paid. That’s important, too, of course, but if there are ways that you can make yourself more available at home, now is the time to do so. Maybe you can go in late a few days a week so your partner can sleep in, or so that you can get up in the middle of the night with the baby. Maybe you can work from home once or twice a week so you are around more often. Many people battling postpartum depression experience loneliness and isolation: just having someone else around can help.
Give Your Partner Some “Me Time”
One of the triggers of postpartum depression is the enormous identity change that happens when someone has a baby. They may feel that their pre-baby self is nowhere to be found and this can be scary and disorienting. That’s why it can be very helpful to give your partner some “me time.” Even just an hour or two a week of alone time—or time for them to pursue a hobby or go for coffee with a friend—can make a huge difference for their mental health.
Help Around the House
Many new parents feel pressure to be perfect at caring for both their baby and their home. But that is simply not possible. You can help your partner have more realistic expectations about what it means to have a tidy house (i.e., messes are to be expected right now!).
Let Your Partner Sleep
There is an association between sleep deprivation and postpartum depression, so allowing your partner to catch up on sleep will be an important part of them feeling better. The reality is, though, that babies just don’t allow for a lot of uninterrupted sleep, so you’ll have to work around your baby’s erratic schedule. Consider dividing up nighttime parenting more equally between the two of you, arranging for times that your partner can nap while you tend to the baby, or letting them sleep late on weekends or on days when you can go in late to work.
Feed Your Partner
Healthy eating habits can help your partner feel more balanced and well. It can feel virtually impossible to eat regularly and healthfully when you are tending to an infant, but you can help your partner in this department. You can bring them meals as they are feeding or nursing the baby. You can ensure that there are healthy snacks and drinks where your partner might need them. And you can cook and shop for your partner if you don’t already.
Reassure Your Partner That They Are a Good Parent
It’s very common for people who are experiencing postpartum depression to believe that they aren’t good parents. They believe that they are inadequate, have no idea what they are doing, and are failing their babies in some way. One of the most important things you can do right now is reassure your partner that this isn’t the case. And don’t just say, “You’re a good mom.” Point out the many things they are doing every minute for your baby and your family. Give them concrete examples that show how they persevered even when things got tough, and highlight the ways that they have sacrificed to keep your baby healthy and loved.
Your Own Mental Health is Important, Too
Being a caregiver for someone who is experiencing postpartum depression can take a toll on your own mental health. It can be really upsetting to see your partner this way. You may blame yourself for what has happened. And you may be feeling overwhelmed and depleted in your role as caretaker. You also may want to connect to other spouses whose partners are navigating postpartum depression. Just as there are support groups for postpartum depression sufferers, there are support groups for people like you. There are also online support forums that can be very helpful if you don’t think you have the time to attend an in-person group. As always, if you are finding that your own mental health is suffering right now—whether because of your spouse’s struggles, or just because being a new parent is challenging—reach out to a therapist or counselor for help. The Postpartum Stress Center: A Note to Dads Postpartum Progress: Postpartum Depression Support Groups in the U.S. & Canada Between 2% and 20% of non-gestational parents suffer from postpartum mood disorders themselves, and taking care of a partner who has postpartum depression increases your risk of developing it yourself by 50%. So make sure to reach out for help if you feel you might be suffering from a postpartum mood disorder.
A Word From Verywell
Helping your partner navigate the dark waters of postpartum depression is not what you signed up for, and you may be feeling disappointed and discouraged by what you and your family are experiencing. Those are natural responses to the situation. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel about what is happening—but try not to let these emotions get the better of you. Healing from postpartum depression is possible, and supportive partners like you are one the key elements your partner needs to get through this. You’ve got this—and you and your family are going to be okay.
